Frightened Neighbors Call Police On Charismatic Family Worshiping At Home

BOULDER LAKE, AZ—Concerned neighbors called the police this morning as the Gallagher family, charismatic Christians, worshiped along with their church's live stream.

In Another Hilarious Gaffe, Biden Shouts, 'Help Me! I Don’t Want To Do This Anymore!'

U.S.—Joe Biden is once again causing a stir with his wacky sayings and nonstop gaffes. In a recent interview with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, Biden topped himself with his bizarre and hilarious comments.

Millions Of Women Outraged As Essential Oils Businesses Deemed Non-Essential

LAVENDER FALLS, IA—Women everywhere say they're very angry as their oil businesses, which are clearly labeled essential, are nonetheless being called non-essential.

New Zoom Filter Makes It Look Like You're Wearing Clothes

U.S.—Zoom has introduced a new filter that makes it look as though you're dressed appropriately for your work, school, or church meeting.

Everyone Jumps Off Bridge After New Government Order Telling Everyone To Jump Off Bridge

U.S.—After state governments across the country directed their citizens to shut down their businesses and just kinda hope things worked out, a new order has been issued: everyone is to jump off a bridge immediately.

Unquestioned Answers: The Jeff Myers Interview

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Mike Pence Sad To Announce That Pride Month Is Canceled Due To Coronavirus

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A heartbroken Mike Pence has announced that Pride Month has been canceled over COVID-19 concerns.

New, Less Formal King Jim Bible Introduced

U.S.—A new Bible translation called The King Jim Bible has been released. Its goal is to take the very formal King James Bible and just relax it a bit.

Deprived Sports Fans Forced To Throw Ball Around With Their Kids

U.S.—Having been deprived of sports for nearly a month, sports fans everywhere have been itching to watch other men throw balls around on their TV screens. To cope with the withdrawals, many have been doing the unthinkable and going to play the sports themselves, throwing a baseball or football around with their kids.

Update: 3,000 New Deaths Today But Enough About Abortion


New York To Raise Taxes On Coronavirus Causing It To Flee State

ALBANY, NY—New York state has announced a new plan to raise taxes on the novel coronavirus. The 15% income tax on all COVID-19 viruses, coupled with an 8% luxury disease tax, is expected to generate significant revenue and stop the virus in its tracks.

Disaster: Trump's Been Binge-Watching Netflix And He Just Bought 17 Tigers

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As if Americans haven’t had enough bad news, there are now reports of a huge disaster in the making. Apparently President Donald Trump has started watching the documentary Tiger King on Netflix and has purchased seventeen tigers, which are currently roaming the White House.

Jeremy Camp Opens Camp For Underprivileged Kids Named Jeremy: 'Jeremy Camp'

FALL CREEK, TN—Jeremy Camp says he owes his success to God and his devoted Christian fans, and now he wants to give something back. Camp announced Thursday that he's opening a camp for underprivileged kids. There's just one catch, though: all kids who attend the camp must be named Jeremy. The name of the camp, of course, is Jeremy Camp.

Groundbreaking New Study Suggests Shutting Down Economy Could Contribute To Unemployment

U.S.—Unemployment has skyrocketed, with 10 million filing for unemployment in the past two weeks. Stocks have plummeted. Growth is expected to be negative with a recession looming. While there could be many reasons for this, economists all agree on one factor that most likely contributed: the pandemic that has forced everyone to stay home and thousands of businesses to close.

Man Glad To Know Job That Fed His Family, Paid His Rent Is 'Non-Essential'

DALLAS, TX—Local man Tregg Trenton lost his job three weeks ago since it was deemed "non-essential" by the authorities. Trenton and some ten million other people have lost their employment since the coronavirus began spreading across our country and the government forced the economy to shut down. It seems as though something like this would be devastating to a worker who's just trying to provide for his family.

Nation's Programmers Admit They're Actually Just Really Good At Googling Things

U.S.—The nation's programmers have finally admitted they actually aren't very talented at coding: they just know how to use Google.

U.S. Descends Into Third-World Hellscape Where Amazon Delivers In Three Days Instead Of Two

U.S.—The U.S. has become an absolute hellscape, a terrifying place where you can't always get exactly what you want from Amazon in two days.

Man Brilliantly Defuses Argument By Telling Wife To Calm Down

U.S.—Local man Paul Jensen is being heralded as a genius and hero after he got the brilliant idea to defuse an argument with his wife by suggesting that she "calm down."

Study: Majority Of Americans Have Absolutely No Memory Of Guy Named 'Pete Buttigieg'

U.S.—A new study found that the vast majority of Americans have absolutely no memory of a guy named "Pete Buttigieg" who allegedly ran for president earlier this year.

China Claims No New Deaths As Peasant Passes By Shouting 'Bring Out Your Dead!'

BEIJING—China has once again claimed no new deaths by coronavirus today, drawing praise from the American media.