Black Missionary Arrives At White Church To Teach Them How To Clap On Beat

SANTA ANA, CA—The nation's black churches have announced a plan to begin sending missionaries to their white brothers and sisters' churches in order to teach them how to clap to a beat.
 

John Bolton Says He Will Testify In Exchange For Large Bucket Of Fish

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Former National Security Adviser John Bolton now says he will testify in Trump's impeachment trial in exchange for a large bucket of fish.
 

Adam Schiff Nominated For Best Actor

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Adam Schiff has received a nod for his riveting performance in the Senate as the Academy nominated him for Best Actor in a Leading Role.
 

Man Led To Christ After Christian In Comments Section Declares Him Total Moron

U.S.—In a brief exchange on Twitter last week, user "Freethinker451" said in a public conversation that they thought religion was "poisoning people's minds." Not long after the comment was posted, user "BaptistBen590" replied to the comment with words that would chance Freethinker451's life.
 

Your Wife Claimed She Was 'Fine' And That 'Nothing Is Wrong.' Fact Check: FALSE

Your wife recently made the incredible claim that she was "fine" and that "nothing is wrong" when you asked her if everything is OK. Experts quickly cast doubt on this claim, and we're here to set the record straight with another perfect, beautiful Babylon Bee Fact Check.
 

Trump’s Ukraine Phone Call 'Too Perfect,' 'May Have Used Phone Call-Enhancing Drugs'

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Central to the impeachment trial of President Trump is his phone call with Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. Trump has described it as a “perfect phone call,” and most agree, considering it one of the best phone calls anyone has ever heard. In fact, the estate of Alexander Graham Bell has given the phone call an award in “phone call excellence” and called it “one of the best uses of the device in the history of mankind.”
 

Shocking New Study Finds You Will Not Live Forever

U.S.—A shocking new study found that you will not live forever and that you will one day die and face your Creator.
 

In Major Deal, The Babylon Bee Purchases Competing Satire Site CNN

U.S.—The Babylon Bee has been the world's best satire site for thousands of years, spawning dozens of secular knock-offs that just aren't quite as good.
 
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Faced with the prospect of another drawn-out day of listening to fellow congresspeople drone on and on about impeachment, Republican senators donned their trusty googly-eye glasses in order to get a little shuteye.
 

Bernie Sanders Welcomed As Newest Member Of Alt-Right After Joe Rogan Endorsement

U.S.—The massive alt-right movement welcomed their newest celebrity member this week as Alt-Right Chief of Gender Discrimination Joe Rogan said he would probably vote for Bernie Sanders for president.
 

Forgiving The Man Who Took My Family Hostage: The McGill Alexander Interview

Listen to this episode on our podcast page or subscribe using your favorite podcast platform here
 

Flower Arrangement In Church Sanctuary Steps Down After 86 Years Of Service

PEOTONE, IL—Ninety-three pastors have come and gone since First Baptist Church of Peotone opened its doors 86 years ago, but one thing has remained unchanged—the flower arrangement on the pedestal next to the piano in the church's sanctuary. It has been a mainstay for the congregation since its inception; however, the church announced that this coming Sunday will be the final service for the floral display.
 

CNN Unveils New Format Where Hosts Just Watch Fox News And Yell At It

ATLANTA, GA—CNN has introduced a new format for its news shows: Now when people tune in, they’ll see two anchors sitting at a desk with a TV between them tuned to FOX News about which the anchors will yell about angrily.
 

Massive Plank Appears In Adam Schiff's Eye As He Accuses Trump Of Being A Liar

WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Adam Schiff gave his opening arguments in Trump's impeachment trial yesterday, stunned witnesses claim a huge plank suddenly appeared protruding from his left eye socket.
 
RIYADH—Saudi Arabia's crown prince called his buddy Jeff Bezos recently just to casually chat with him and ask what his first pet's name was, his mother's maiden name, and the name of the street he lived on as a child, sources confirmed Thursday.
 

Dumb AOC Accidentally Strangles Herself Tying Her Shoes (Because She Is So Stupid)

WASHINGTON, D.C.—While taking a jog yesterday morning, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez attempted to tie her shoe -- a simple thing that even a child can do but she can’t because she is so brain-dumb and likes socialism -- but messed it up so badly with her stupidity that she nearly strangled herself with her shoelaces.
 

Homeschool Mom Goes On Brisk Morning Run With 18-Seat Jogging Stroller

TEMECULA, CA—Local homeschool mom Cindy Breyers has a morning routine: get up at 6, read Proverbs 31, read fourteen other chapters of the Bible, make coffee, and finally, go out for a quick morning jog with her 18-seat jogging stroller.
 

New Star Trek Series Features Utopian Society Somehow Surviving Without Non-Binary Pronouns

U.S.—The internet has been abuzz with reactions to Star Trek: Picard, the year’s most hotly-anticipated spin-off of a spin-off. 
 

Democrats Warn That American People May Tamper With Next Election

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In his opening statement at Trump's impeachment trial, Rep. Adam Schiff reminded the Senate of their solemn duty and the gravity of just what it is they will be discussing at the trial.
 

In Strategy To Be Perfect, Church Asks All Sinners To Worship Elsewhere

COTTAGE GROVE, MN—As part of a broader strategy to make the church perfect, a local congregation has asked all sinners to please stay away.