New App Reminds You To Look Up From Your Phone To Check If Your Kids Are Still Alive

SAN JOSE, CA—The tech world is abuzz after the announcement of a new smartphone app that could save millions of lives. The new app, called Kid-Alyve, will remind parents to look up from their phones every so often to confirm that their children are still breathing.
 
CHARLOTTE, NC—Steven Furtick has been placed on temporary leave from his part-time lifeguard job at Myrtle Beach after an incident in which he attempted to save a drowning man by "speaking life" over the victim's flailing body. 
 

California Unveils Lions' Den For Christians Who Sing In Church

SACRAMENTO, CA—In a solemn ceremony today, Governor Gavin Newsom of California dedicated a lions' den for Christians who sing in church against the government's orders.
 

Scholars Now Believe David Wrote Most Of The Psalms During His Emo Phase

U.S.—Scholars from seminaries across the nation now agree in a broad consensus that King David wrote the Psalms during his teenage emo phase, a dark period in his life when he died his hair black, pierced his lip, and listened to lots of Dashboard Confessional.
 

Podcast: The Suicide Of Thought

This is the Babylon Bee weekly news podcast special episode for 7/3/2020.
 
COLUMBUS, OH—Believing that everyone must be waiting in anticipation, Josh Carson, a total dingbat who doesn't have kids, knew he needed to give his thoughts on parenting.
 

Americans Excited To Celebrate Their Liberty While Confined To Their Homes By The Government

U.S.—Americans said they are excited to celebrate Independence Day this year while confined to their homes by government order.
 

Redskins Change Name To 'Lizard People' To Better Represent Population Of Washington, D.C.

WASHINGTON, D.C.—There has been much talk about renaming the Washington Redskins, since their offensive name has no place in our modern, enlightened society that has done away with all other immorality and sin.
 

Wolverine's Gender Reassignment Surgery Unsuccessful Yet Again

COLD LAKE, AB—The X-Men may need to finally update to a more inclusive title, now that one of their most popular (previously male) members identifies as a woman. 
 

Tourists Flock From Around Country To View Ancient Ruins Of CHAZ

SEATTLE, WA—There's a hot new tourist destination this summer: the ancient ruins of CHAZ/CHOP in present-day Seattle.
 

Netflix Hires Racists And Pulls Any Episodes They Laugh At

LOS GATOS, CA—Netflix has hired three racist men to watch old TV shows so that the streaming service can remove any old TV shows that they find funny. The racists, Bubba, Brett, and Buddy, are all avowed racists and white supremacists. Each day, Netflix has them marathon old episodes of classic TV shows and monitors whatever they think is really funny.
 
CHICAGO, IL—The Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, a mainline protestant denomination that is home to some 3 million Lutherans, has released a statement declaring that the ELCA will be dropping all the problematic words from its name including "Evangelical," "Lutheran," "Church," and "America."
 

FBI Hires Top-Rated Italian Bodyguard Hiluigi Clintonelli To Protect Ghislaine Maxwell

BRADFORD, NH—Following the arrest of Ghislaine Maxwell for sex abuse charges, the FBI is taking no chances in keeping her safe while she awaits trial. Sparing no expense, the FBI has hired top-notch Italian bodyguard Hiluigi Clintonelli.
 

Sad: Democrat Leaders Struggling To Enforce Lockdowns After Getting Rid Of All The Police

U.S.—Oh no! Democrat leaders sure are in a pickle. They are really trying to be tyrants and enact a police state with their COVID-19 orders and lockdowns, but oops: they just defunded the police and now don't have any police officers to enforce their orders!
 

Really Interesting Theological Discussion Ruined By Someone Pulling Out A Bible Verse

PALM BEACH, FL—Some friends were having a thought-provoking theological discussion, diving deep into the possible nature of God and of the afterlife. However, just as the discussion seemed to be nearing some really intriguing philosophical territory, one member of the group, Kyle Guy, pulled out his phone and read a verse directly from the Bible.
 

Governor Newsom Orders Californians To Launch Fireworks Indoors This Year

SACRAMENTO, CA—California Governor Gavin Newsom held a stern press conference today where he lectured people on how to celebrate their freedom safely and responsibly this Independence Day. In addition to banning most gatherings where people usually celebrate the fact that they live in a free country like the United States, Newsom reminded everyone that if they choose to celebrate July 4th with fireworks, the fireworks need to be launched indoors only.
 
U.S.—Riotous crowds rushed brick and mortar stores today to pick up copies of Mel Brooks' groundbreaking comedy Blazing Saddles before it permanently goes down the memory hole due to jokes that are off-limits in today's enlightened society of love and tolerance.
 
WALNUT CREEK, CA—As a parent who wants to teach sound doctrine to his children, when Dave Brown, father, was asked by his sad-eyed, lip-quivering children if they would see Mittens the cat in heaven, he replied, “Absolutely.”
 

Powerful: LeBron James Pulls Over To Lecture Homeless Man On His White Privilege

LOS ANGELES, CA—We all know LeBron James is an amazing human being, but seriously. Just when we thought he couldn't get any better, local media caught this powerful moment and WE CAN'T EVEN. Cameras caught the inspiring, heartwarming moment LeBron approached a homeless man last week at one of LA's many tent cities. 
 

Controversy As Biden Caught Sniffing Confederate Statue

NASHVILLE, TN—While many on the left have taken a strong, anti-statue position, blaming statues for inequality and a number of unsolved murders, presidential candidate Joe Biden has taken a much softer stance and is often seen talking to statues. Controversy erupted, though, when Biden was spotted sniffing the sculpted hair of a Confederate statue.