Evidence Suggests Mary Used Magi's Gold To Get Little Drummer Boy To Stop Playing

BETHLEHEM, ISRAEL—A recent discovery at an archeological site in Bethlehem is adding a new wrinkle to the Christmas story. Researchers have found part of a document that suggests Mary used some of the gold gifted by the wise men to pay the little drummer boy to leave.
 

'You Have Stolen My Dreams And My Childhood,' Says Girl Currently Gracing Cover Of Time Magazine

WORLD—According to sources, a girl who has a pretty awesome childhood, gaining fame and accolades and even being featured on the cover of Time Magazine lectured the nation for stealing her dreams and her childhood.
 

We Are Pleased To Announce Our Person Of The Year Is Hillary Clinton Please Send Help

We are pleased to announce our Person of the Year 2019 is Hillary Clinton please send help.
 

Planned Parenthood Honors King Herod With Lifetime Achievement Award

NEW YORK, NY—At a special ceremony Thursday, Planned Parenthood posthumously awarded Herod the Great with its highest honor, the organization's coveted PPFA Margaret Sanger Award.
 

Progressive Seminary Introduces New Apologetics Course Where You Learn To Apologize For Your Faith

PORTLAND, OR—Feels Bible College and Seminary unveiled its new apologetics course this weekend, a grueling series of classes where you learn to apologize for everything you believe.
 
U.S.—A new study found that most people would rather be annihilated by a giant tidal wave caused by climate change than continue to be lectured by climate change activists.
 

Nation Surprised To Learn Time Magazine Still In Print

 

More Atheists Holding Regular Weekly Meetings To Discuss How Dumb Organized Religion Is

U.S.—A new report suggests more atheists are holding regular weekly meetings to discuss how dumb organized religion is.
 
Two words came to mind when we heard about this powerful story. Can you guess what they are?
 

Amazing New Plant-Based Meat Tastes Like Real Meat To People Who Have Obviously Never Eaten Meat

EL SEGUNDO, CA—Meatless meat was once scoffed at by the public, ridiculed for its flavorlessness and complete lack of similarity to actual meat. But now there is a new product on the market from the innovators at High Horse Inc., a plant-based meat manufacturer with a new meat alternative that tastes exactly like real meat to people who have obviously never eaten meat a day in their lives. They call it AintMeat®.
 

Trump's Popularity Surges After Nation Learns He May Have Obstructed Congress

U.S.—Democrats unveiled their articles of impeachment against President Trump, but one of the charges seems to have backfired. The suggestion that Trump obstructed Congress turned out to be a far more popular idea than Democrats had predicted.
 
BURBANK, CA—Disney has purchased the rights to the A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood franchise and has tasked famed director Rian Johnson with writing and directing the sequel: A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood: The Last Neighbor.
 

Wife Delivers 'State Of The Household' Address As Soon As Husband Gets Home Each Day

OAK RIDGE, TN—The much anticipated State Of The Household address, a daily address by the chief executive of the home, Mrs. Andrea Miller, and typically intended for her husband, Gregory, is scheduled to take place around 5:15 PM today, which is exactly when Mr. Miller is expected to get home from work. Including this address, there have been 2,232 States Of The Household given by the chief executive in charge of the economy, domestic policy, and foreign policy of the home at 527 Evergreen Terrace Ln. 
 
WASHINGTON, D.C.—As Nancy Pelosi held a press conference along with other House Democrats to announce that they would be introducing articles of impeachment against President Trump, Pelosi reportedly blinked out a cry for help in morse code.
 

House Dems Unveil Surefire Plan To Get Trump Reelected

WASHINGTON, D.C.—House Democrats today announced a new plan to ensure Trump wins the White House again in 2020.
 

Wise Man Who Brought Myrrh Thought They All Agreed On A Spending Limit

BETHLEHEM—Three wise men visited the baby Jesus, presenting gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh to his mother Mary. Afterward, the wise man who brought myrrh confronted the other two wise men since it had been his understanding there was an agreed-upon spending limit for the newborn king of the Jews.
 

Report: Jesus, Mary, Joseph Were Actually Detained Under Obama Administration

CLAREMONT, CA—A nativity scene has been gaining much publicity in the media for its depiction of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph getting detained in cages at the border.
 
U.S.—Porn addiction has been entirely solved by a new law that requires all adult sites to serve up an image of Matt Walsh staring disapprovingly at the user.
 

Historians Now Believe King Solomon Gave Each Of His Wives, Concubines A Peloton Exercise Bike

U.S.—Scholars are claiming that King Solomon kept his concubines in shape by presenting each one of them with her own Peloton exercise bike. 
 

Elizabeth Warren Declares She Is Last Person Of Color Remaining In Democratic Race

U.S.—After Kamala Harris dropped out of the presidential race last week, Democrats were left with a shockingly white field of remaining candidates.