Ian Duncan Smith calls on snowflakes, losers and traitors to resolve virus problems

Ian Duncan-Smith, MP for Chingford and Minister of Nothing-in-Particular, was speaking on Radio 5 when he admitted there were problems involved with the government’s handling of the Coronavirus pandemic that will require the help of experts. When asked if these were the same people as the ‘Get Brexit Done’ campaign has referred to variously as […]

UK in shock as Boris Johnson steps down

The people of the United Kingdom took a collective gasp today, Wednesday 1st of April, as Boris Johnson announced he would be stepping down. “This morning,” the Prime Minister announced from self isolation inside number 10 Downing Street, “my hand has been forced. “Since testing positive for Covid-19, I have been in self isolation. Drastic […]

Man puts bins out

Reports are emerging that a man in Rochdale has put his bins out. Stephen Dickinson of Fazzakerley Drive has put his green bin out on the kerb early to maximize social distancing. “It was the highlight of my week” Mr Dickinson told The Rochdale Herald. “I can’t wait to take it back in again.” Mr […]

Which filthy johnny foreigner should you blame for Covid-19?

All over Britain, McDonald’s branches are silent and your gran might die from Covid-19. The PC libtards say this is a result of complex factors interplaying that mean that a novel virus can spread easily. Everyone interested in the truth knows that’s rubbish. It’s foreigners that have caused this and we’re here to guide you […]

Britain shows appreciation for NHS by funding it properly

Britain has decided to show its appreciation for the NHS by funding it properly.  The nation has made the decision that it doesn’t matter what expensive treatment you and your insurers can personally afford if you catch a disease from someone who cannot afford the same.  As a result, the UK has reaffirmed its belief […]

Boris catches coronavirus despite consistently washing hands of all responsibility

Finally, after what feels like years of writing about this car crash of a government you NHS applauding, social distance ignoring flag shaggers voted in, we have something positive to report about the PM.  Boris Johnson has tested positive. Despite consistently washing his hands of all responsibility, the Prime Minister reported that, as a rich […]

Boris “getting Coronavirus done”. PM tests positive.

The Rochdale Herald can confirm that the Prime Minister of the UK, Boris Johnson, has tested positive for Coronavirus. Having been tested for Coronavirus on the advice of Chief Medical Officer, Professor Chris Witty, it has been confirmed this morning that the PM tested positive. He will still be “in charge” of the government’s response […]

Prince Andrew self isolating in Windsor with Olivia-16

Following the news that Prince Charles has contracted Covid-19, The Rochdale Herald has learned that Prince Andrew is self isolating at his home in Windsor Great Park having picked up Olivia-16. More on this breaking story as it unfolds.

Remote Scottish regions report shortages of wicker.

Reports are reaching us of shortages of some unexpected commodities in rural Scotland. This follows human slug, Rod Liddle’s advice in Der Spectator that people should self isolate there and subsequently referred to an SNP MSP who appealed for people not to come as ‘a ghastly woman’. The result has been an unexpected surge in […]

“One walk a day more than enough” say The Proclaimers

Following Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s announcement that the UK is now in a state of national emergency and that citizens are only permitted to leave their homes to exercise once a day, Scottish pop duo The Proclaimers have said “That’s plenty!” “When I wake up, well I know I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be the […]

DFS sale finally over

After 51 years, the DFS sale has finally come to an end. With the news from Prime Minister Boris Johnson that the UK has effectively gone into lockdown, the board of furniture giant DFS have taken the difficult decision to bring their everlasting sale to an end. “I don’t know what we’re going to do,” […]

Cats growing increasingly desperate to find cure for Coronavirus

Pet cats have announced that they’re ramping up their efforts to find a cure for Coronavirus as many find they’re now forced to spend entire days with their humans. Cat, Bill Board told us, “It’s been hell this week and it’s only Monday. I got up this morning looking forward to another 11 hours sprawled […]

Police concern as Derbyshire sees record levels of panic hiking

Police have appealed to members of the public to exert self restraint as hordes of bored walkers descended on Britain’s highways and byways and quickly stripped secluded areas of walks. The phenomenon has been dubbed “panic hiking”. Constable Idris Draggon of Derbyshire Constabulary explained: “It’s been like a siege here.  Demand swiftly outstripped supply with […]

Coronavirus causes charmer to consider condoms

Since moving to London, St Cuthbert’s alumnus Ben Green has prided himself on, in his own words, “spreading his chutney round Putney”.  Claiming to have graduated one of Rochdale’s leading Catholic schools, he has for several years used this to justify what his nan calls “forgetting to wear his raincoat”. Whilst Green was an early […]

Euro 2020 tournament to be played on XBox, UEFA confirms

The European Football Championship 2020 is to be played on XBox, UEFA has told The Rochdale Herald. In the wake of the Coronavirus pandemic, European football’s governing body has taken the decision to play Euro 2020 on the popular gaming platform rather than crowded stadia.  The final will be played in Rhian Brewster’s bedroom. Rhian, […]

Blitz spirit will see us through says man panic buying sanitary towels and Quinoa

The UK’s Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, has likened the nation’s handling of the Coronavirus pandemic to the “Blitz spirit” which saw plucky Brits through the 2nd World War. The Rochdale Herald took to the streets to ask the people living through the loo roll riots of 2020 “how does this compare to being bombed out […]
Young children around the UK have been advised that the best way to stop the spread of Coronavirus is by thoroughly washing their hands after licking other people and stuff they find on the floor. “Hygiene is an absolutely essential tool in the fight against the spread of infectious diseases like Coronavirus.” A spokesman for […]

Olympics cancelled. To be replaced by international Fortnite tournament.

Reports are emerging that the International Olympic Committee has convened to discuss cancelling this year’s summer Olympics.  The report, which comes to The Rochdale Herald from sports correspondent Veranda Barbecue, details plans to call off this years Tokyo summer Olympics in the wake of worldwide concern over the Coronavirus pandemic. A number of options are […]

World Health Organisation upgrades five-second rule to three seconds rule

The World Health Organisation has taken the unprecedented step of upgrading the five-second rule to just three seconds. As the deadly Coronavirus pandemic sweeps the globe members of the public have been asked to only eat stuff they’ve dropped on the floor if they’ve managed to pick up within three seconds as opposed to five. […]

“Could Coronavirus be as deadly as Harold Shipman?” Your Coronavirus questions answered

With Coronavirus fever hitting the nation Rochdale residents had many questions. Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College answers some of them. Will Coronavirus be as deadly as Harold Shipman? Harold Shipman killed between 250 and 300 people. The latest Government predictions are that 5000 to 10000 people could get Coronavirus. Given a mortality rate of […]