A Rochdale man that has just spent a month telling anyone within earshot or on the internet that all lives matter has said he’s furious that Boris Johnson has announced that 3 million Hong Kong residents are entitled to come to Britain. Bill Board told us, “This is ridiculous, I didn’t vote Brexit so that […]
 
In a paper published in the journal Science this week scientists led by, Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College have said they’ve observed Burnley residents using basic tools, communicating in grunts and solving simple problems. Professor Seddon told us, “This research is a huge step. What was once written off as a primordial and backwards […]
 

Burnley residents fear diversity means marrying outside of immediate family

A Burnley man has told us that he fears moves for more diversity will mean that people will be forced to marry outside of their immediate family. Bill Board told us, “For years Burnley residents have married within their immediate families. That’s our tradition and we feel that it’s now under attack.” Bill’s wife and […]
 

Anger as Dominic Raab claims Hitler salute came from TV sitcom ‘Allo Allo!’

Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab prompted fresh criticism today after claiming that the ‘Hitler salute’ frequently used by members of the far-right was ‘just a bit of fun’ that originated from the 1980’s TV sitcom ”Allo ‘Allo!’.  Raab, who was slammed yesterday for suggesting that the ‘taking the knee’ gesture linked to the Black Lives Matter […]
 

Trump tells reporters that he’s cured Megadeth

POTATUS, Donald Trump has made a sensational claim that he’s cured Megadeth today. In a rambling 4 hour speech Trump said, “You know what’s amazing? The countdown to extinction is over. People said that it couldn’t be done. That nobody could possibly cure this. But I’ve done it. You know, so far so good. The […]
 

Arsonists shocked building they set on fire is burning

A group of arsonists have spoken of their shock at discovering that a building they’ve spent a decade carefully trying to set fire to is now burning and may get out of control. One of them told us, “When I first took a hatchet to the fabric of the building I knew what could happen. […]
 
A man has told the Rochdale Herald that he’s protecting the statue of Winston Churchill in Whitehall because, “You’d be speaking German if it wasn’t for Churchill”, before giving a Nazi salute. Retired football hooligan, Bill Board attended todays rally to protect the statue from vandals. One witness said, “It’s all a bit strange. They […]
 

Nigel Farage leaves LBC for remake of Howards’ Way; Nigels’ Way

Nigel Farage has left LBC and got a job on a new remake of Howards’ Way called, Nigels’ Way. Producer Bill Board told us, “Nigel plays Nigel, a man who has experienced 2 redundancies in 6 months. He leaves London and settles in a seaside town on the south coast of England.” “Nigel is struggling […]
 

Far Right groups threaten to tear down statues of Prophet Mohammed

Far right groups have pledged to tear down all statues of the Prophet Mohammed following the recent scoop in the Daily Express that the founder of Islam had owned slaves. Angry person on the internet Thomas Robinson said “It’s a disgrace that they are tearing down tributes to true Brits what founded our great coastal […]
 
The Government has confirmed that the people that pulled a statue down over the weekend will face a different level of justice to those that build flammable flats. A spokesman said, “It’s important that we up hold the law by making sure those identified are captured, tried and receive prison sentences. Or, in the case […]
 

Country that burns effigies of a Catholic annually upset by statue damage

A country that in the year of our Lord 2020 still thinks burning Catholics is a family friendly November evening out, is upset by damage to a statue.  The country, which is approximately 9.6% Catholic, considers it entirely appropriate to encourage children to make an effigy of a Catholic man, wheel it around the neighbourhood, […]
 

20 injured by lion at Rochdale pride march

There were scenes of carnage yesterday after a lion got loose and mauled several people at the annual Rochdale Pride event. One eye witness said, “I knew something had gone wrong because my friend turned and said, “That’s gone wrong”. We were having such a nice day as well. I’d had 2 Lion bars and […]
 

Statue of Bristol slave trading Tory MP ‘tripped and fell’ insist police

In Bristol, England, police attended a protest against police brutality, during which a more than 100 year old man who posed no threat to them was allegedly pushed so hard that he fell into the harbour where his slave ships used to dock. Although the incident took part in daylight, and in full view of […]
 

Man saying all lives matter wants Navy to torpedo boats full of refugees

A Rochdale man who keeps saying that all lives matter is also in favour of the Royal Navy being used to torpedo boats carrying refugees. Bill Board, who lives in a 2 bedroom terrace house worth over £100,000 told us, “I keep seeing this black lives matter stuff. But for me, it should be all […]
 

Thousands come together for eye testing

Thousands of people have come together in the name of ophthalmic health this weekend. Many even brought their own testing kits. One attendee told us, “It’s great to see so many people out testing their eyesight before driving home. I’ve read at least 40 eye test charts at various distances and can confirm that I’m […]
 
Priti Patel today confirmed that the Black Lives Matter movement is a protest about American racism that has nothing to do with England.  The Home Secretary has claimed that racism in England’s former colonies could not in any way be linked to England, as it is something that only started following their independence from England’s […]
 

Racism cured after white people put black face on their social media accounts

We are pleased to report that racial prejudice worldwide has been solved by white people blacking up their social media accounts.  From your mum’s friend Karen on Facebook to Fitness_Fanatic22 on Instagram, attention seekers worldwide have sought to centre themselves within the current protests.   “Don’t be unfair, we are raising awareness,” said one of […]
 

Ant and Dec to host Coronavirus Daily Update

Following the news that The Daily Coronavirus Update is losing viewers faster than America is running out of MolotovCocktails, BBC producers have paid an undisclosed sum to prise away Ant and Dec from ITV to boost lagging viewing figures. We don’t know the whole format of the show but we spoke to Ant and/or Dec and […]
 

Piers Morgan leads star studded sing along to F**k Tha Police

Piers Morgan shared a video on Tuesday night showing him and other self-quarantined celebrities singing NWA’s “Fuck Tha Police” “Hi guys.  Day who knows what in self-quarantine.  Barely know who I am any more.  My wife tells me I used to like Trump and led an obsessive campaign against Meghan Markle,” the “Good Morning Britain” […]
 

Britain begins cheap cocaine and animal abuse phase of lockdown easing

The Government has announced that horse racing can begin again from today.  A spokesman said, “From today people will be able to gather in groups of 6 in their garden and watch the horse racing. We know how much everyone in Britain loves horse racing. It’s the primary concern of people up and down the […]